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Six Sex Affairs

(We received these from Burton Wolfe's online journal: Wolfe's Lair, and anybody who wants to subscribe to it should contact Wolfe via his personal email address: bhwolfe@msn.com)

Emoticons in love

The 1st Affair 
A married man, Jacob Plotnik, was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her apartment and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and did not wake up until 8 p.m.. 

Worried that his wife would be furious by then, Plotnik hurriedly dressed and told  his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt, figuring he would tell his wife he had car trouble in a rural area and had to fix the problem himself. After his secretary returned with his shoes, Plotnik put them on and drove home.

"Where have you been all day?" his angry wife demanded to know upon his arrival.

Plotnik decided to forget his fake story and confess. "I can't lie to you," he told his wife. "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

His wife looked down at his shoes and then yelled at him: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"         

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife became pregnant and, at the hospital, as the couple had hoped, she delivered a healthy baby boy. Told by the pediatric physician who delivered the baby that he and his wife had a boy, and he could see his wife and son now, the joyful father rushed to the room where his wife lay in bed, cuddling her baby. But he was horrified to find himself looking at the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this ugly baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my

His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time."

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Hymie Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest cock the mortician had ever seen. It was gigantic.

"I'm sorry, Mister Schwartz," the mortician said to the corpse, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an historic body part. It must be saved for posterity." So saying, the mortician cut off Hymie Schwartz's gigantic cock, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," the mortician said to his wife upon arriving home, and he opened his briefcase for her to have a look.

"Oh, my god!" his wife exclaimed as she looked into the opened briefcase. "Hymie Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair  

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the front door of the house being opened ."Oh, oh," she told her lover, "my husband is home. Hurry! Stand in the corner." Quickly she rubbed baby oil on her lover, then dusted over the application with talcum powder.     

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" her husband asked upon entering the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," his wife replied. "I saw one just like it at the Smiths' house this morning, and I loved it. So, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about it, and the couple went to bed and fell asleep. Around 2 a.m. the husband awakened, got up, went to the kitchen, and returned to the bedroom with a sandwich and a beer. 

"Here," he said to the statue, proffering the snack, "have this. I stood like that for two hours at the Smiths' house this morning, and nobody offered me a damn thing."

The 5th Affair

Jonathan Karensky walked into a cafe, went to the bar, and told the bartender he wanted a glass of beer. 

Certainly, sir," said the bartender. "That'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" Karensky exclaimed unbelievingly. "Some kind of special on today?"

"Yes, sir," the bartender said, nodding affirmatively. "Here, have a look at our menu and see if there is something else you would like."

Karensky studied the menu for a minute, and asked: "How much for the sirloin steak and a bottle of wine?"

"Five cents," the bartender replied.

"Five cents?" Karensky exclaimed, incredulously. "Hey, where's the guy who owns this place?"

"Oh, he's upstairs with my wife," the bartender replied.

"What?" Karensky exclaimed. "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th (and final) Affair

Jack's wife Jill sat at his bedside as he lay dying. Jack looked at her sadly and said weakly: "I have something I must confess to you before I pass."

"There's no need for that," Jill told him.

"But I insist," Jack persisted. "I want to die in peace, so I must tell you: I slept with your best friend, your sister, and even your mother."

"I know, dear," Jill said. "Now, just rest and let the poison work."

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