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Post covid shopping

by William Levine


Attention shoppers, welcome back to the official post-COVID reopening of Price Gouger supermarket, where our prices are at least a little cheaper than those fancy organic chichi stores. We are no longer your grandfather’s supermarket because your grandfather will no longer have the luxury of the 8-9 AM senior hours. Seniors are now welcome back at any time and are again fair game to be passed aggressively in the aisles, although on the left.

We heard you during the pandemic, and we are committed to ensuring that none of our shoppers will ever be TP insecure again.  We welcome you then to our new paper products section in aisles 8, 9 and 10. We have scoured the earth and huge trees to provide you, our customers, with our most reliable brand, Michael’s. Michael’s is our premium two-ply paper towel. If Michael’s isn’t available, we have Mike’s one-ply, and finally we absolutely guarantee that we will carry to infinity and beyond Yo Mikey’s half ply.

For your convenience we have re-routed all aisles back to two way.  We know that this will once again cause some congestion so please only ram an aisle-blocking cart lightly so that only a minimum of groceries fly out of a cart. Speaking of carts, we are happy to announce that “Instacart” should be a retired name now, except here at Price Gouger. Our “Instacart” program  guarantees a pandemic-clean   cart, within 5 seconds of your arrival, otherwise we will provide you with a cart with your choice of realtor ads. 

You may notice several fixtures have gone from Price Gouger. Our DV-Delightful entertainment locker is gone, a victim of the pandemic created fascination with streaming. We know our that shoppers would now rather stream for free an aggregate 12 years of  Law-and-Order Shows, including the newest Law and Order SUV (all crimes take place in a Toyota Highlander), rather than pick up a 6 pack of Mall Cop DVDS. You might also note that our gift certificate display is greatly reduced due to the recent economic fallout. But you will still be able to choose between Amazon and Amazon gift certificates. Let’s then take a moment of silence as we sing to ourselves “Good Bye Ruby Tuesday.”

We will continue to close early at 8 pm on Thursdays since you, our customers are used to reduced hours that we enacted to sanitize the store. Now we will be using the reduction to serve as the home store for The New Super Market Sweep.  Our customers are welcome to come watch the show as our super shoppers rush their carts towards that wining grocery bill, stopping at nothing to get to the ultra- expensive Trump steak aisle.  

Valued customers, we are going to maintain the 6 feet social distancing at check out.  Price Gouger has determined that this spaced-out approach has reduced the number of altercations as you can’t land punches to the body from 6 feet away. We found also that you can’t count items in a cart from 6 feet away. This will establish a gentler, kinder 15 items or less line. We invite you to bring back your own private, reusable shopping bags to the checkout counter. Please though note that we won’t honor bank bags with exploding red dye and will be even more stringent with bags from grocery proprietors other than Price Gouger. Finally, no happy face bags.

During the pandemic we lowered the acceptable time for fondling produce with our team of little old ladies, caning your shoulder blades when your time was up. Now, you are free to move about the produce section and search red delicious apples for scratches as diligently as an auto claims adjuster and juggle melons as adroitly as a third-rate cruise ship entertainer.

Our heroic and diligent staff is happy to welcome you back, please thank them for their service when you checkout. Today is take a checkout clerk and bagger to lunch day. Our luncheon specials start at $9.95. 

Finally, as with all our announcements, we refer you to our customer service booth for answers to our most commonly asked questions: where are the lottery tickets? where is the men’s room? and where is the usurious coin counting machine?  and where’s the hand sanitizer?

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