Wanna read the latest from Clever Magazine?
Click here and return to the coverpage!

Getting Older...

 

Glasses on German bible


Senior Dress Code

Many of us "Old Folks" (those hovering near 50, at 50 or WAY OVER 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

A nose ring and bifocals 
Spiked hair and bald spots 
A pierced tongue and dentures 
Miniskirts and support hose 
Ankle bracelets and corn pads 
Speedo's and cellulite 
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 
Bikinis and liver spots 
Short shorts and varicose veins 
Inline skates and a walker 
Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Subject: AARP approved pick up line

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, (in his mid 90's) with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady (mid 80's), also well dressed and attractive, is sitting alone. The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman
:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" 
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.  A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
 I never liked anyway,
 The good fortune
 To run into the ones I do,
 And the eyesight to tell the difference.


Find it here!     

Home | Contributors to Clever Magazine | Writers' Guidelines 
The Editor's Page | Humor Archive | About Clever Magazine | Contact Us

No portion of Clever Magazine may be copied or reprinted without express consent of the editor.