Holiday Eating Tips (it's been around, but is still
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly!
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in
an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples
and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Listen, you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya, Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for
a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly, Barbie
How to shop for the men in your life:
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless
drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I
have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many
cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless
drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or
socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By
the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again,
no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy
him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper,
or a pine scented tree to hang from his rear view mirror makes a nice
gift. Men love gifts for their cars. No
one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men
ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that
if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls
to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have
a lot of money buy your man a big flat-screen TV and
watch him go wild.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man
a bottle of those fancy
liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for
23 years. Real men drink wine, whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized
canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they
do not stink - they smell earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good
as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there
will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You
get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says
"some assembly required" on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include
Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John
Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA
Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also
excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he
doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must
be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they
never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a
monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a
smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets
to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever,
buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why
- please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good
wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never
buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us
back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of
3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.