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More idiotic pet humor 


Hi-yah!
Here they are: the Kung Fu Kitties
(yet another anonymous email!)


Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right  again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes,” the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

The following ad (for real) in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and  fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy...

How to thoroughly clean a toilet:
1. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
2. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
3. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
4. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
5. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
6. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
7. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely, The Dog

The Talking Dog (stop me, if you've heard this one...)

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

”Yep,” the mutt replies.

”So, what's your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

The lisp...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"   

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks:  "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:  "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one, and then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make
me.
Lab: Oh,
me, me !!!!! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
German Shepard:  I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more peri
meter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Maltese: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed
me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the ti
me he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can so
me body else do it? I've got this hangover...
Pointer: I see it, there it is. There it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
Basset Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZ, zzzzzzzzzz, z...z...z....z....z....z...
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect so
me light?  

Personals: Single Black Female
SBF seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play, also long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy. 

(NOTE: the phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight-week-old black Lab Retriever.)

How To Bathe A Cat

a. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
b. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and put both lids up.
c. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
d. In one smooth move
ment, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that co
me from your toilet. The cat is actually enjoying this.
e. Flush the toilet three or four ti
mes. This provides a 'power wash' and 'rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
f. Have so
me one open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
g. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
h. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

From Tom: Football season is about to begin! Yea!

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

“Hey, lady,” yells Larry. “Throw me the cat.”

“No,” she cries, “it’s too far.”

“I play football, so I can catch him.”

The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it co me s hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pave me nt.

Dogs

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three ti me s before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I me an, here we come , back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and me n and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"I aspire to be as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."

Parrot Joke

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,

"And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut."

Visibly shaken, the stewardess co me s back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For so me one who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard ..."

Another Parrot Joke

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I me an, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or so me thing."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few mo
ments later with beautiful black Labrador . As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, me owed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
 The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150!" she cried."$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan... What did you expect??"

The Frog Joke

An older lady was so me what lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company, So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing see me d to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.

As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her.... He whispered, "I’m lonely too. Buy me and you won’t be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck, she hadn't found anything else. She brought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you won’t be sorry.”  So the old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.  IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

The prince then kissed the old lady back.

And guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on…guess?

She turned into the first motel she could find…she’s old…not dead! 

The Dog named Mace

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
  

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"


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