I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it
by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably
having completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong
fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never putt off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in
love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no
bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the U.S. in its
war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest
battleships, 6000 armed troops and 600 fighter jets. However, after the
exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying
Some military safety tips for the troops:
"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." Instruction
printed on US Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED,
MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s
IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE
GROUND." USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE,
SO ARE YOU." Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET
YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD
MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." Army's
magazine of prevention maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY
INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." US.
Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT;
THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH
WAYS." US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY
LAST THREE SECONDS." Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY
ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING
TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."
"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS
EVER PASSED INSPECTION." Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON
SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO."
Unknown Marine Recruit
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT
IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB
TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM."
USAF Ammo Troop
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can
talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.... did
I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!? You want
a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you
"The answer to this
last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
"And just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
Insults for everybody
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named
him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the
Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
-Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
-Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
-A day without sunshine is like... night.
Q: Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word
Q: Is there another word for "synonym"?
Q: Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Q: What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Q: If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Q: Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Q: If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Q: What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? Get another sweet
little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Van Gogh's Relatives
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia: U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store: Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His cousin who moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Where diddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico: Amee Gogh
The nephew that drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated: Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing: Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew, The Freudian psychoanalysist: E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits: Mang Gogh
His aunt who taught the power of positive thinking: Way to Gogh
His bouncy young nephew: Poe Gogh His disco-loving sister: Go Gogh
And His niece, who's been traveling the US in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor you're on.
5) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
6) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.
7) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the passengers.
8) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
9) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
10) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't
panic, they open up again."
11) Swat at flies that don't exist.
12) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got
enough air in there?"
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce,
"I have new socks on."