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Here's Volume III of the Clever email humor...

One-liners

just joking

Reminder: Clever Magazine does not claim authorship of any material included in this humor page, or any other humor archive, unless specifically indicated. Feel free to copy and forward anything you like from this column. If you have a good one to add to this page, email it to editor@clevermag.com.


One-liners:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably having completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never putt off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
 

MORE
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.  

Announcement: It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the U.S. in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6000 armed troops and 600 fighter jets. However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.  

Some military safety tips for the troops:
 
"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." US. Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."
Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER...ONCE." Anon
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO."
Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM."
USAF Ammo Troop

COP one-liners:  
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"And just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."   
 

Insults for everybody
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

More one-liners:
-Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
-Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
-A day without sunshine is like... night.

Questions:
Q: Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Q: Is there another word for "synonym"?
Q: Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Q: What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Q: If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Q: Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Q: If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Q: What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Van Gogh's Relatives
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia: U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store: Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His cousin who moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Where diddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico: Amee Gogh
The nephew that drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated: Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing: Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew, The Freudian psychoanalysist: E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits: Mang Gogh
His aunt who taught the power of positive thinking: Way to Gogh
His bouncy young nephew: Poe Gogh His disco-loving sister: Go Gogh
And His niece, who's been traveling the US in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
6) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
7) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
8) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
9) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
10) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
11) Swat at flies that don't exist.
12) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."


Reflections of great minds on government
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.)
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty six different kinds of cheese?
- Charles de Gaulle
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. - Ronald Reagan
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. - Henry Louis Mencken

Good Thoughts for the Day
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take ti
me to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assu
me malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a govern
ment oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right ti
me, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting mo me nt.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find so
me thing lost around the house is to buy a replace me nt.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have so
me one in mind to blame .
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle na
me is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
15. Did you ever notice: The Roman Nu
merals for forty (40) are "XL"

Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are...
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3.The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles: ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!  You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11.Work is good, but it's not that important.  Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; some die even before they retire.
1
2. And finally...  Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.


Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down.  Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Some questions:
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
1. Do I look like a people person?
2. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
6. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
7.  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
8.  Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
9.  How do I set a laser printer to stun?
10. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Wise Adages:
-Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
-Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
-In the ‘60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


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