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Vol. I

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Sniff


Relationship Jokes

Oh-oh: One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

A woman's way of handling it . . . . . . . .  
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  
"Actually, no," he replied.  
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running  her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"  
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.  
"Tell him," she whispered,   "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 


Women and Shopping
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in  the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. 

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Now show me what you  bought.'

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got back I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" 
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight . While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. 

The wife shouted, "Don't Do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

The Cruise 

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've  packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw  some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I  also did some shuffle-boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The  Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt  honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino .. did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to  stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the night listening to music. The captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a  charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX  I saved 1600 lives today ....Twice

 


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