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Summer giggles ha!

Reminder: Clever Magazine does not claim authorship of any material included in this humor page, or any other humor archive, unless specifically indicated. Feel free to copy and forward anything you like from this column. If you have a good one to add to this page, email it to editor@clevermag.com.


Summer:

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER 
8 years old, hateful little bastard. Bites!
   

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
   

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.
 

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
 
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

 FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married, wife knows everything.
   
- - - - - -

From Alan Balter:

Rose and Margaret die and meet their first day in heaven. Rose says, So how did you die?"
Margaret replies, "Truth is, I froze to death."
"How terrible," Rose says. "That must have been awful."
"Actually," Margaret says, "It wasn't so bad; after the first hour or so, you feel numb all over and you just fade away."
"And how did you die?" Margaret asks.
"Well," Rose said. "I came home from work early, and I suspected that my husband had another woman in the house. I got furious and I looked in the basement, the attic, and all the closets. I got so distraught and angry that I had a heart attack and died."

To which Margaret replies, "Well, if you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both be alive today!" 
- - - - -

Seniors, be alert
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me...oh, crap...I'll see you on the bus.



Winter:

For St. Paddy's Day!

Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me.”

Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. 

Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.

Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says… "You better hurry home.  My wife died two years ago."


Lists by Daniel Galef

Beverages offered at your local homophonic Portugese-Polish-Polynesian Cafe:
1. Cava
2. Kawa
3. Kava

Expatriate Populations:
1. The Scottish Moors
2. The Vienna Franks
3. The Berbers of Seville

Dance Hall Food
1. Can-canned Corn
2. Froog Salad
3. Lobster Quadrille
4. Macarena and Cheese
5. Minuet Eggs
6. Chips and Salsa
7. Tango-rines


More Paraprosdokians. They're from comedian Mitch Hedberg:

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus, or just a really cool opotamus?
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fall '16:

Craigslist ad

This  is Lexi. She's an 8-week-old puppy.  I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife, but it turns out she's allergic to dogs so we're looking to find her a new home. 

She  is 59 years old, a beautiful, caring woman who drives, is a great cook and  keeps a good house.

~~~~~

Two by Susan P. Blevins:

My dad just got out of jail: My friend Jim, who’s an attorney, arrived home to his wife and daughter after a day at the county jail, to find his wife in the kitchen and his daughter on the phone. When his daughter sees her dad arriving, she excitedly says into the phone, “I’ve got to go now. My dad just got out of jail and we’re going out for dinner now.

Rearended: I have long been in the habit of having regular high colonics as part of my health maintenance regime. After a particularly powerful, and productive one at the local alternative health center, I felt a bit woozy afterwards, but gathered my belongings together, settled my account, and feeling as light as air, floated out to my car. I sat there a moment, then carefully put the car into reverse. Slowly but surely, I  drove my car into the invisible concrete lamp post base behind me. I had just administered the same treatment to my poor car that had been done to me. We had both been rear-ended.

~~~~~

First Class

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price".

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all of the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave the country. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community; so the Pope offered a deal:

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, but
if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.


On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other:

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever, the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three
fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by
holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God, common to both of our faiths.

Then I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show me that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that, through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the Original Sin.
He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the  Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so, I gave him the finger. Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And, then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Spring '16:

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

Fall funny stuff:

Subject: How to call a Guy a Bastard.....

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a  second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. 

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

Four lady friends meet for their first school reunion after 30 years. One goes to take food while the other three start talking about how successful their sons have become.
 
No. 1 said her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
 
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company becameso rich, he built his best friend a castle.
 
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about.
 
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons had become and asked her about her son.
 
She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!" said the Lady, he is doing good. "Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a
castle from 3 of his boyfriends...." All the three Ladies fainted.

(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in  Britain.) 

As we Seniors know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.

Summer 2015:

Dangerous Police Work

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"This is base."
"Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here.  A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on
the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

On Getting older!

The  biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll  remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come  out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a  support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need  anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age  is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to  accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't  have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".......... I'm just very wise.

Teach  your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of  paper!

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no".....which is shorter than  "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ........ but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I  can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 

This Health Alert applies to all ages!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM !!!


Summer 2014 giggles

Headline: The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a 200 million dollar research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading ."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," she replies . "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .

"That's true, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment ."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.


The Italian Affair

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.


Another Lawyer Story

(Editor's note: This is an urban legend that has been around for years, totally fabricated, but still sort of funny...)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, amongother things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

So don't piss off your insurance company!

Yale University Story (probably true, right?)

At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.

They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this  was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Another Unhappy marriage story

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared :

ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco

Easy William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying "things would be okay. " William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. This little shit's name is Kevin.


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,  he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years  my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
 

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!   (True story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."


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