Actually, this isn’t really a joke. With
the Blue States, the Democrats have firm control of:
80% of the country's fresh water
95% of our pineapple and lettuce
92% of all fresh fruit production
93% of the artichoke production
95% of America's export quality wines
90% of all cheese production
90% of the high tech industry
Most of the US coal
All living redwoods, sequoias and condors
All the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Amherst,
Stanford, Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT
We Blue States could start our own
country and live simply, but well.
The Red States, on the other hand, now
have to cope with:
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike)
92% of all US mosquitoes
Nearly 100% of all
90% of all hurricanes
99% of all Southern Baptists
100% of all Televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.
38% of those in the Red States believe that Jonah was actually eaten by a
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
44% believe that evolution is just a theory
53% that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11
A man owned a small business in British Columbia. The Wage and Hour
Department of B.C. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help, and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my Mechanic who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a week. The Mechanic's helper has been here for 18 months, and I pay
him $500 a week. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a
day, seven days a week. He makes $10 a week and I buy him cigarettes and
beer," replied the Owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the
The Owner answers, "that would be me."
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in the last 8 years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except in Kansas, which
she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint
a Governor for America without the need for further
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters, and
the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary'
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of '-ize'.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American beer will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). (Your current financial incompetence is
just driving us mad. You must do better! We just will not tolerate
and other shenanigans.)
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.