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Lost: Passion on Hudson Street

by Walter Giersbach


I’m desperate for help from anyone who can find my girlfriend. She was last seen stalking out of a club in New York’s Meat Packing District. I’m not sure which bar, but that’s not important because she’s not there now and I’m not allowed in anymore either.

Her name is Caroline.  Caro-line.  Remember that, because there are a lot of Carolyns out there. Caro-line is someone’s idea of a joke at a girl’s school in Connecticut, but her folks deserve the blame for that.

Caroline’s last words — to me anyway — had to do with lust. She was against it. She said, “My body’s not a Game Boy.” I thought it was the martinis talking, but she made it clear it was love — not lust — she wanted. Maybe she’ll post a reward for lost love, so if you see any relevant notes taped to lamp posts you could notify me.

Love and lust are sometimes confused because both words start with L and have the same number of letters. Magazines ads shoot for lust, however. Lust goes to the head of the line every time. Nobody would pay seven bucks for a magazine offering love unless it was making a pitch for adopting cats. I thought Caroline understood that, even if the magazine cost a dollar.

Love is full of self-control and responses measured in eyedroppers. Love grows wrinkles before you recognize it’s tapping at the window. It’s what your folks are working on if they’re up to anything at their age.

Ah, but lust leaves a trail of bra and panties and locks decorous behavior out in the hallway. The Fed Chief’s Jerome Powell would tell you lust is critical for stimulating the economy, which is a substantial part of our American Way. Would Pfizer make billions selling a pill for devotion? Would Victoria’s Secret send out catalogs to make people like you?  I don’t think so.

I told Caroline, “Love doesn’t get any sleep when carnal pleasure’s working overtime.”  That’s when she grabbed her pocketbook and hiked out the door.

Caroline should know love is second best. How can you rely on something so yielding and fuzzy? Half of the parking meters you choose are broken, you don’t know if the election machine got your vote right, your iPhone stops working as soon as the warranty ends — and these are scientifically designed things! On the other hand, lust is a slot machine that can pay off with a thousand coins of pizzazz and makes your headache go away.

Caroline is about as tall as my chin, wears a crooked smile, and her long hair makes your fingers want to play hide and seek. Oh, and she has the greatest looking legs this side of Las Vegas.   

So, if anybody finds Caroline, please ask her to reconsider and come back. I have the greatest respect for all of her body parts, including her heart.  I’m offering dedicated allegiance to rollicking through life together, an eternal ride on an out-of-control train. And I take back what I said about renting her body. I’m now promising a long-term lease.

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