Dear Personnel Director:
circumstances make it possible for me to offer my exceptional services.
the Personnel Director thought: Fired for drinking. No reply.]
That means: I'm unusual. Are you willing to risk hiring a unique human
being with the versatility of a da Vinci and the imagination of a
the Personnel Director thought: Psychopath. Alert security.]
After many years of faithful service to a company I dearly regarded, I
find myself shading my eyes, scanning new horizons...
[What the Personnel Director thought: Senile. Reply,
more-suitable to your-career-objective.]
Before your company came to be in this land, my people were a strong
proud people. I would be honored.
[What the Personnel Director thought: Refer, Affirmative
Action officer for token slot.]
I am an honors graduate of Harvard Business School. Forthwith, I am
desirous of assessing the parameters of opportunity that will make best
advantage of the inchoate potential that ….
the Personnel Director thought: Cretin. Refer to competitor.]
Have you got a super spot for a girl-Friday sort of gal who is
old-fashion about a man's world, but who knows her way around the
office! My modeling work (free lance) has kept me so busy of late that
my Sec-Skills are a little rusty, but you can take it from me ….
[What the Personnel Director thought, Waiver typing
When I graduated at the top of my class in marketing--the first woman to
do so--I thought indeed times had changed. However, in the realities of
job-seeking, I've come face-to-face …
Personnel Director thought: Libber. Give typing test.]
of it. That's all I want, and the horse she rode in on.
[What Personnel Director thought: Consider as sales trainee.]
I marched against racism, war and the rape of the
Today I hear the sound of a different drummer. Once I thought your
company was trafficking in human misery, but now I realize ….
the Personnel Director thought: Tractable fanatic. Attention Advertising
Since I was a little boy, I've dreamed about working for the company. My
father worked on your loading docks, as did his father before him. Get
an education they both said. Make something of yourself. Their years of
sweat made it possible for me to attend State College. I have graduated
with a degree in English, and ....
the Personnel Director thought: Hire for loading docks.]
Having seen your listing of an entry-level position that requires
"Exceptional imagination and ability to write creatively, along with
familiarity with promotional techniques, and statistics; willingness to
work rapidly under pressure," I have composed a pertinent reply:
De mind reelin' wid wunnerful insights, top words, etcetera.
Maggernificient prose, unfol'in' wid smart sentences, many of dese put
into convenient paragraphs, covered in top punctwation. Showin' not only
de pregnant colon but de familler period, gettin' it off de chest in a
voocabberlary wots runnin' in de hunnerds, many wid several syllables. I
got adjectives, de verbs, many 0' civiloosation mos’ famous nouns.
been done it wid ringin' de bell curve, load de questunary, build in de
bias, bill de goods, an' roun' to de ten. Not to menshun, gee-wiz de
graph, shift de base; run wid de flag pole. All de time turnin' out de
stuff liken to ol' Marcel de Proops, widout much raisin' de sweat.
Trustin' dis message catchin' you wid de drift.
the Personnel Director thought: Terrible speller. Reply others better
The work ethic, and
capitalism are the cornerstones of ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Union agitator.
After taking a Ph.D. in psychology (dissertation: "Man, A Simple S~R
Mechanism"), I worked on DoD contracts, investigating cloning to meet
manpower needs. To the business world, I would bring not only the acumen
of my ….
[What the Personnel
Director thought, Potential rival. Steer to West Coast office.]
I want work, any kind. Cheap, and long hours, and good. Do what I am
the Personnel Director, thought: Illegal alien. Notify.
My father suggested I apply for that opening in top-level management. He
is, as you well know ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Hire.]