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Dear Personnel Director

by Dennis Szilak


Dear Personnel Director:
Exceptional circumstances make it possible for me to offer my exceptional services. ….[What the Personnel Director thought: Fired for drinking. No reply.]

Dear Personnel Director:
I.M.Un. That means: I'm unusual. Are you willing to risk hiring a unique human being with the versatility of a da Vinci and the imagination of a fifth-grader?
[What the Personnel Director thought: Psychopath. Alert security.]

Dear Personnel Director:
After many years of faithful service to a company I dearly regarded, I find myself shading my eyes, scanning new horizons...
[What the Personnel Director thought: Senile. Reply, more-suitable to your-career-objective.]

Dear Personnel Director:
Before your company came to be in this land, my people were a strong proud people. I would be honored.
[What the Personnel Director thought: Refer, Affirmative Action officer for token slot.]

Dear Personnel Director:
I am an honors graduate of Harvard Business School. Forthwith, I am desirous of assessing the parameters of opportunity that will make best advantage of the inchoate potential that ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Cretin. Refer to competitor.]

Dear Personnel Director:
Have you got a super spot for a girl-Friday sort of gal who is
old-fashion about a man's world, but who knows her way around the office! My modeling work (free lance) has kept me so busy of late that my Sec-Skills are a little rusty, but you can take it from me ….
[What the Personnel Director thought, Waiver typing test.]

Dear Personnel Director:
When I graduated at the top of my class in marketing--the first woman to do so--I thought indeed times had changed. However, in the realities of job-seeking, I've come face-to-face …
[What Personnel Director thought: Libber. Give typing test.]

Dear Personnel Director:
M*O*N*E*Y. Lots of it. That's all I want, and the horse she rode in on.
[What Personnel Director thought: Consider as sales trainee.]

Dear Honorable Sir:
I marched against racism, war and the rape of the environment. Today I hear the sound of a different drummer. Once I thought your company was trafficking in human misery, but now I realize ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Tractable fanatic. Attention Advertising Department.]

Dear Personnel Director:
Since I was a little boy, I've dreamed about working for the company. My father worked on your loading docks, as did his father before him. Get an education they both said. Make something of yourself. Their years of sweat made it possible for me to attend State College. I have graduated with a degree in English, and ....

[What the Personnel Director thought: Hire for loading docks.]

Dear Personnel Director:
Having seen your listing of an entry-level position that requires "Exceptional imagination and ability to write creatively, along with familiarity with promotional techniques, and statistics; willingness to work rapidly under pressure," I have composed a pertinent reply

 Write de creative? De mind reelin' wid wunnerful insights, top words, etcetera. Maggernificient prose, unfol'in' wid smart sentences, many of dese put into convenient paragraphs, covered in top punctwation. Showin' not only de pregnant colon but de familler period, gettin' it off de chest in a voocabberlary wots runnin' in de hunnerds, many wid several syllables. I got adjectives, de verbs, many 0' civiloosation mos’ famous nouns.

 Also, been done it wid ringin' de bell curve, load de questunary, build in de bias, bill de goods, an' roun' to de ten. Not to menshun, gee-wiz de graph, shift de base; run wid de flag pole. All de time turnin' out de stuff liken to ol' Marcel de Proops, widout much raisin' de sweat. Trustin' dis message catchin' you wid de drift.

[What the Personnel Director thought: Terrible speller. Reply others better qualified.]

Dear Personnel Director:
The work ethic, and capitalism are the cornerstones of ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Union agitator. Back-ground check.]

Dear Personnel Director:
After taking a Ph.D. in psychology (dissertation: "Man, A Simple S~R Mechanism"), I worked on DoD contracts, investigating cloning to meet manpower needs. To the business world, I would bring not only the acumen of my ….

[What the Personnel Director thought, Potential rival. Steer to West Coast office.]


Dear Personnel Sir:
I want work, any kind. Cheap, and long hours, and good. Do what I am told.

[What the Personnel Director, thought: Illegal alien. Notify. Immigration.]


Hello: My father suggested I apply for that opening in top-level management. He is, as you well know ….
[What the Personnel Director thought: Hire.]

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