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A Cautious Acceptance Letter

by Bill Levine



Prototype acceptance letter from a very skeptical Admissions Office:

Dear John (if that’s your real name)

On behalf of the admissions committee and the Better Business Bureau, it is with great pleasure and some trepidation that I write to offer you a conditional admission  to  Doubting Thomas University to join the other suspicious members of the class of 2025.  You should take pride that you  potentially hold one of 3,145 places out of 80,567 initial applications. Note though  that we quickly eliminated  60,567 of these applications as they were deemed Russian Bots. Your application was not rejected in this regard because your name is not Nikita or Svetlana.

Doubting Thomas University is unique in the world’s major universities as its academics are conducted under the non-honor system. We understand that our highly distinguished student body contains some highly ambitious rule benders. Therefore, please understand that there is nothing personal, when as part of our non-honor system you are frisked and emptied of all valuables by your personal proctor at exam check-in time.   

We warmly invite you to attend one of our Admitted Student Open Houses and Inquisitions. Be prepared to submit to lie detector testing. 

In addition, please log-in to the Doubting Thomas University new student portal, where you will find a link to the encrypted FBI background check dark web site. It is imperative you complete this task in the next 4 hours. Please note that the FBI will be interrogating your mother and father in this regard. Do not interfere. 

Full Admission will require the following:

  • That as a purported all-state place kicker you report to DTU’s Skeptic Stadium and convert at least 7 of 10 field goals from 30 yards, two of which must be kicked while facing two rampaging defensive tackles.
  • That you retake your SAT test at an official site, other than your basement and with a head proctor other than your uncle.
  • That you report to the school pool within two days to confirm that your water sport skills are at the all-county Water Polo level and not at the Marco Polo Level.
  • That you provide a papal seal on the letter of recommendation from Pope Francis.
  • That you provide solid proof that your college app essay “Yes, Ginnie There is a Tooth Fairy" is substantially different from the classic "Yes Virginia There is a Santa Claus."
  • That you provide your passport showing a Nepal stamp to substantiate your work last summer with Habitat With Insanity building rope bridges across  the Himalayas.
  • That you submit your genetic testing report to confirm that you are a member of 7 minority groups. By the way, we have already eliminated your claim for admission under our diversity umbrella based on your being a Neanderthal.
  • That all your social media accounts are free of politically incorrect statements and have no misspellings. We have a team of forensic computer experts so don’t bother to delete.

Please note that Doubting Thomas University will waive all requirements above and grant immediate admission, once we confirm that your family’s donation of 5 works by the French Impressionists to our institution are not forgeries.

We hope that once you have full acceptance, you will choose to enroll at Doubting Thomas University. At that time a $1000 deposit will be required, payable only by a cashier’s check from any bank not in the Cayman Islands or Switzerland. 

Sincerely,

Ralph Doubtfire
Dean of Admissions and Chief  BS Detector


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