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Big Biz @ the mall

by Walt Giersbach

OMG, its been such a crazy day w/ my kids Jason and Arabella. They think its funny to throw things out the car window. They insisted stuffed bunny rabbits could fly. Im headed to the mall to get a new phone and make them take back the one that doesnt work. Then I see my kids wrote nasty things in the dirt on the window. Like “bite me hard” and “honk if ur gay.” These are just the pg rated things. I leave the rest to ur imagination. Im POed but I have to laugh too.

Im a phone freak. Also the dude who needs that phone to sell my funky art on Etsy and Craigslist. And now Im waiting like half an hour in the mall for the AT&T guy to stop yakking. Finally he sez can I help u?   

I give him my best smile and say u can help me get a new phone. This doesnt work anymore. He asks whats wrong?   

I give my shoulders the shrug. It just stopped. Actually my wife dropped my phone in the toilet if u want to know. But first I tell him ur phone spell check has a dirty mind. I texted my wife that I paid the babysitter. She sez YOU LAID THE SITTER? No, damn autocorrect. I was in Pizza Hut and the soda just shot out my nose when I saw that.      

The phone man sez well spell check is a feature we can disable if u like. So what else is wrong?     

Im startin to like this dude with his cool attitude. But dont get any ideas cuz Im straight, married w/ kids and dont fool around. I say okay Ill confess. My wife peed on the phone. She thought there was a pregnancy app.       

Yow he sez and his eyes get big.  He gives back the phone like its infected with herpes. He shouts theres no way Im gonna give u a phone for that reason.    

I tell him why not?  Im due for an upgrade. I want one that takes good pics. Flash too. And no data plan.       

Daddy!! – Jason shouts and yanks my jeans. We gotta hurry for the test.

See, his friends texted me hes in love w/ a girl <sniff sniff> and shes trying out for field hockey. I love that his friends trust me. More sniffs. I can see their Facebooks but I have a filter so they cant see mine. Is that cool or creepy?      

What kinda test the AT&T man sez. Oh now hes interested.      

Im gonna play this guy cuz I really need that phone. I let my mouth silently spell out C A N C E R and he gets all concerned. I see the emotions going on in his head like bugs in a hot fry pan.       

Arabella yanks on me and shouts whats cancer?     

He sez Oh!  Maybe I can let u have a new phone for 30 bucks.         

See? I knew there was a deal. And I tell him u gotta save all my data for me.     

He sez I can save it but Im not touching that phone cause ur wife peed on it. Ill show u to do it.

I bacon-wrapped the deal and got my new phone for 30 bucks. We made it to field hockey tryouts on time. And Jason got a little kiss from the girlfriend. Ta-dah! 

Then one more win. I order my son to wipe the dirt off the van. Same time I dropped my packages in the driveway. I bent over and my butt peeked out of my jeans. Jason was grossed at my ass crack. I threatened to do it again if he didn’t mind me.  

Im so lucky I got a good wife and loving kids and a crazy ass new phone. Screw the judgy among us. Life is short. Live it to the max. Smile and lol as much as possible all the time. All the time.  

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