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Bed Rest

by MaryAnne Kolton

"Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. . ."  Emo Phillips

"At least three to four days of complete bed rest," said the doctor. "And by complete I mean no going up and down stairs, and no getting in and out of bed ten times a day. Very important not to undo what I have done. Are you hearing me?"

 Sure, through the haze of painkiller cocktail, I hear her. It's just that I'm wondering if she is planning to stop by to feed the dogs and cats (twice a day for the dogs) release the hounds three or four times a day, and make me a soft-boiled egg and toast occasionally. All while wearing her pearls and cashmere twin-set.

I’ll have to remind her my bedroom is on the third floor, the bathroom is on the second floor - maybe she'll bring a chamber pot?

 Perhaps she could silence the voice at the bottom of the stairs that bleats, "Exactly how long is it going to be before you can cook dinner again?"  Maybe she will yell back, "When hell freezes over!" for me. 

 Since she's going to have be here pretty much full time anyway, I'm going to suggest she stuff a dirty rag way far down the bleater's throat when he starts in on the puppy who has a little bout of diarrhea requiring her to go out two or three extra times during the night - the door to the back yard is on the first floor. Without duct tape or a the rag he will bellow lovely endearments like "Goddamn son of a bitch! Shit! Can't you let this fucking dog out once in awhile? I need my sleep!"  The doctor will get used to the language. I have.

 While the dogs are out, I'm thinking the good doctor might throw in a load of wash, laundry equals basement, so I can count on clean pajamas or a fresh nightgown every now and then. If she could be persuaded to load the dishwasher, put stuff in the frig that might spoil, wipe down the counters and maybe rinse the bleater/bellower's curly gray hairs out of the tub and bathroom sink it would be heavenly. 

 I don't expect her to bring me water on a regular basis so I stay hydrated or remind me when it's pill time. That's asking too much and I'm sure the fog will clear in another day or two and I'll know, without having to give it quite so much thought, if it's 7:38AM or PM when I look at the clock upon waking.

 I must remember to tell her how grateful I am that she is going to make those few days of necessary bed rest possible...and if she could just take an extra moment while she's here and pee for me, a most painful process, but one she says is very necessary for recovery, I would be her best friend for life.   

MaryAnne is the Interview Editor at THIS Literary Magazine. Most recently her fiction has been chosen to appear in the Lost Children Charity Anthology, the first print Anthology of Pure Slush - Slut, The Toucan Magazine, Wilderness House Literary Review, Anatomy, Larks Fiction Magazine, and Connotations among others.  You can contact her at Attn: MAK thiszine@gmail.com or via her blog site Echos & Visions. She can also be found on Facebook.  

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