Wanna read the latest from Clever Magazine?
Click here and return to the coverpage!


Splenda in the time of Covid19

by Zaphra Reskakis
 


                 

My name is Zaphra and I am a coffeeholic.

Even though our president assured us that with 15 cases of “Chinese Flu”, in early March, we would have none by the end of the week, I immediately put in an order to Fresh Direct. I am not used to ordering on line from a picture. My friends and family said it was very simple. I decided it was time I got used to it. This way I would not have to drag a cart filled with over twenty pounds from the super market. And, despite the president’s assurances that I should not be worried about contracting the virus, I decided not only would I shop on line, but I would stay home and stay away from other people.

 Fortunately, or unfortunately, I do not live in a red state that was apparently being temporarily spared of the pandemic. I live in New York City, by this time, the epicenter of COVID19. Coupled with my being in the vulnerable group, 88, I felt I owed myself that much, ordering online. I gritted my teeth, sat at my computer and typed in Fresh Direct. I figured I would get a laundry list of choices, But, lo and behold, Fresh Direct Order was the first choice.

Now, mind you, in the super market, I hold a package of meat or chicken or fish, and, since I live alone, I figure out how much I will eat by size and not grams or ounces. I have since realized that I must have some sort of dyslexia involving connecting the dots because I never really connected the two, size or ounce. As a very careful pharmacist, I am well acquainted with weights and measure, but this is not pharmacy it is my dinner. I merrily started ordering prepackaged lamb, beef, pork and chicken. I also clicked on the button that said they could substitute if what I ordered was unavailable.

 Forgetting the size of the freezer in my studio apartment, and the possibility of my being isolated for a while, despite the assurances of the president, I figured on getting two or three packages of everything including a pound and a quarter of calf liver. To my surprise it came as one whole piece. There were not too many whole chickens available, but I was able to snag one 3-1/2 pounder, as well as a package of sixteen pieces that did not seem like a lot until I unpacked the order. There were two 3 lb chickens cut up and the whole chicken was 5 ˝ ponds, they were out of the smaller ones. The meat was all family size. Unpacking and storing took 4 hours because I have gotten slower after 80. I also do not eat as much since I turned 80 so, yes, I am still working my way through that order.

 Since I use 2 packets of Splenda per my soup cup size of coffee, and fearing a run on Splenda even though I knew it might be a lot, I ordered the only available supersize of 5000. Four months later I have about a half box left. Since I have had no guests, I have consumed about 2500 Splenda in about 1200 cups of coffee.

Eagerly awaiting my second order, what will I get next?                                                                                  


Home | Writers' Guidelines | About Clever Magazine | Contact Us
The Editor's Page | Recipes I Humor Archive

© No portion of Clever Magazine may be copied or reprinted without express consent of the editor.