Wanna read the latest from Clever Magazine?
Click here and return to the coverpage!

Ode to the Dog Days of Summer

Our dogs are the most patient, loving and stead-fast of family members. They get little respect and constantly must refine their coping mechanisms. Even dogs have their limits, but it appears that skunks eating from one's bowl is not over the line.

(All of this is anonymous email. We have no idea who to credit!)

Mom told me to be very careful around skunks

Fourteen reasons not to divorce your dog

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just  think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. Or in the front with all the windows open.  
     And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!

A Personal Note to my Dog and Cat

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

* To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:*

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
 Eat less.
Don't ask for money all the time.
Are easier to train.
Normally come when called.
Never ask to drive the car.
Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
Don't smoke or drink.
Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
Don't want to wear your clothes.
Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
And finally, if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Find it here!     

Home | Contributors to Clever Magazine | Writers' Guidelines 
The Editor's Page | Humor Archive | About Clever Magazine | Contact Us

No portion of Clever Magazine may be copied or reprinted without express consent of the editor.