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August Holidays (in post-COVID 19 world)

by William Levine

There are 4 months without major federal holidays, March, April, June, and August. We should, though, be lobbying congress for a new holiday in August only. August is our most carefree month.  Indeed, on warm August days, when there is not a hurricane or tornado, it beckons for all us to take a floating holiday. But we should move to an official August holiday.

Really, we don’t need an official holiday in March because we have one of the most celebrated days of the year in this month, St. Patrick’s Day. No other holiday is celebrated by watching parades in a drunken state. This is a combo that can’t be beat. There is Halloween, but in no holiday except St. Patty’s can a grown man dress up as a six-foot leprechaun and get compliments. 

April is another month that has no official federal holiday. As a Massachusetts resident, though, I have always thought of April as a holiday month because The Bay State celebrates Patriots Day. This of course marks the Battles of Lexington and Concord on April 19 1775, which has over time has been credited with launching both a new country and an expensive line of tricorn hats.

We usually feel that June has a federal holiday as Father’s Day fits the bill. The holiday even has its tradition of gift giving as dad can only receive a tie or hedge trimmer from his beloved family. It is the only current holiday founded by Sears. Father’s Day involves that large swath of the population that has a father, and it is an easy holiday to participate in, requiring the above-mentioned gifts and a family lunch at any restaurant not named: Magic Quiche, Quiche Lorraine’s, and Buffalo Wild Quiche.   

August, though, does not have any of these unofficial holidays, so let's bolster its holiday creds by choosing one of the following four possibilities:

SCARY MOVIE DAY—August 13 is Alfred Hitchcock’s birthday, and August is the peak movie release time for scary movies so this certainly argues for Scary Movie Day. We are frightened enough these days by eco-unfriendly plastic swizzle sticks and proposed pedicures for all so that to be able to say at a spine-tingling film’s end “It’s only a movie.  It’s only a movie,” will be very cathartic. Key expected events will be:

·        Scary Movie Festival held at Transylvania College in Kentucky.  Entries to include: I know What Your Whole Family Tree Did Last Summer, Last House on the Left According to the GPS, Saw 9: The First Cut is the Deepest, Snakes on a Train.

·        Out door family-friendly screenings will include a compilation of Disney’s scariest scenes. This patchwork of Walt’s guilt will include Snow White stalked by a hunter, Dumbo on Drug Induced Hallucinogenic bender, Pinnochio being transformed into a Donkey (kick-ass scary) and finally, the entire Fantasia movie

BACK FRIDAY -- Families frantically scrambling through office supply stores in a last-minute effort to meet the annual school supply imperatives for an eclectic collection of No. 2 pencils is not a heard-warming August sight. Additionally, there are a lot of icy stares when it's apparent that the Frozen backpacks are sold out. Finally, parents are completely chagrined when they notice that they have missed a sub-item on their town's government-contract-like school supply list. Back Friday, to be celebrated on the second Friday in August, will be a day that families can leisurely devote to filling their two carts worth of supplies from every aisle in the store, including 8 boxes of Cheetos from the healthy snack aisle. Highlights of Back Friday will possibly include:

·        Petitioning Congress to double the tax deduction (from $250 to $500) that teachers can take for buying schools supplies out of pocket. This is a necessity now that some school systems can’t supply an Alexa for each student.

·          Pop up vintage school supply exhibits will appear in office superstore parking lots. These tributes to supplies past will include:  protractors, slide rulers, leaky pens, knuckle-rapping rulers, pocket protectors, boys' lunch boxes, girls' lunch boxes, the very rare unisex lunch box.  

       SCORCHED EARTH DAY -- There is a movement among environmentalists to make August 1, perhaps the hottest of the year, Scorched Earth Day. This will be a day to undoubtedly motivate us to reduce our carbon footprint as we will witness climate change in its inglorious "hot enough for you" machinations.

·        This day we will feature t-shirts with the adage, “Only mad dogs and climate change deniers go out in the midday sun.”  

·        Late Night TV shows will solicit “hottest climate change   jokes”

·        Names to be assigned to first two Category 5 hurricanes of the year will be announced.They will be chosen from the small pool of climate change deniers.

·        Great Sidewalk Egg Bakeoffs will be staple of this holiday.

·        Climate Change advocate Bill Nye, The Science Guy, will be the Grand Marshall of Philly’s Bummers Day Parade. The initial theme will be Apocalypse Cow with floats highlighting methane over-production.


ALL SHRINKS DAY—This will be observed on August 15th, the middle of the month that therapists invariably take vacations. This day will possibly be confused with All Saints which glorifies the saints, whereas All Shrinks day glorifies our sainted shrinks by lamenting their absences. For the millions that need therapeutic help, it is quite demoralizing when even the solace of dialing up a covering therapist is undercut with the message that the backup is on vacation, but the patient can call Dial an Affirmation. 

We hope that All Shrinks Day will shed some rays of hope on these dark days of August by the following All Shrinks Day Events:

·         There will be a special on-line promotion on self-help books: buy 17 Doctor Phil titles and get the 18th free, plus one free call to Doctor Phil where he will verbally slap you out your malaise.

·        Libraries will set up their periodical rooms to resemble a therapist’s waiting room with a shelf full of National Geographic magazines mixed in with copies of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy Journals

·        AAA will publish most popular resorts for mental health professionals so that patients can soothe their angst in the same   relaxing, mind-cleansing vacation havens as their therapists with the bonus of maybe hunting down their shrink for a quick at-hoc consult.

·        Central Park will host the All Shrink’s Day Kvetch In an attempt to set the record for the world’s largest unled group therapy session.

If none of these make it through congress, then we can still ask for the most needed official holiday, which would be March 18, the day after St. Pat’s, also to be known as Hangover Recovery Day.

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