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The Ant Graveyard

by Kristina Yapp


Kristina is a preschool teacher who lives, works and writes in Steger, IL with her husband, four sons, dog and far too many cats. As often happens with the approach of middle age, Kristina is actively rediscovering the love of creating art and literature that she had as a child. In addition to teaching, hanging out with her family, doing laundry and writing short stories, she enjoys sharing her sometimes inspiring and sometimes distorted opinions about life on her blog, Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy:
http://fatlazysoccermomgetshealthy.blogspot.com/2010/07/ant-graveyard.html.  

Have you ever seen the movie "Poltergeist?"  I'm pretty sure everyone has (except for babies, toddlers and all you yellow bellied, chicken-hearted, lily-livered cowards out there).  Anyway, do you remember how all of the angry spirits of the dead rose from their graves because the town was built on top of an old graveyard, and "They had never moved the bodies!!!"

 

Well, I am convinced that, when my town was built, they did the exact same thing! There is one minor difference, though. My town was not built over a human graveyard, it was built over a sacred ant burial ground - most likely tens of thousands of years old. I know this because the incensed spirits of the dead ants - irate at this contemptible disturbance and destruction to their sanctified resting place -  rise up annually in order to punish all who dare spoil and plunder the sacredness of their holy land.

I feel quite certain that neither the builder of that first home nor the visionary for this town was aware that they were disturbing a prehistoric necropolis, consequently interrupting the tranquility and peacefulness of numerous generations of insects.

I am in no way laying blame on our predecessors who made this town what it is today. I have thought a lot about the founding of this village, and have concluded that it must have been early summer when the construction of the first of all our many homes commenced. I believe this to be true because, each and every year, on the first warm day, the hostile apparitions make their presence known - and there is nothing that can stop this eerie and frightening occurrence.

My family has attempted for years to keep the ghosts at bay. Each winter we work tirelessly, caulking all of the cracks in our walls, repairing every hole, filling any fissures, covering even microscopic pinpricks found only by means of a painstakingly slow, precise examination. We each go over every square inch of wall, floor and ceiling, making sure that no possible entryway is overlooked - but still, on the first warm day, they always appear. Clearly, as our house is a veritable fortress against unwanted critters, even those of microscopic stature, these supernatural phantasms possess the ability to pass directly through walls, floors and ceilings. Nothing can stop them.

                         

I'm afraid it's true. My house is haunted by zombie ants. From the first warm day of each year until the first frost of winter, these ghouls spread terror throughout my kitchen, my house and my very soul. For those of you unbelievers out there,  I have absolute proof, impervious evidence, that these disembodied spirits who choose to appear  in the form of ants are actually and truly the undead.  

They cannot be killed by any acknowledged method. Believe me - I have tried each and every purported ant killing system, always with the same result. I have purchased and set every kind of trap. I have lined walls and counter tops with ant killing gel. I have sprinkled ant killing powder, which the ants carry back with them to the colony, on every surface of my home. I have surrounded the outer foundation of my house with ant killing stakes.

I have even, in total desperation, combined bleach and ammonia, resulting in the intensely dangerous, life-threatening compound: Nitrogen Trichloride. After clearing my home of all living things, and donning a gas mask, I sprayed this deadly mixture generously onto every square inch of my home - but after a week, when it was finally safe to return, we found that these uncompromising, unfathomably robust entities remained, unharmed and prepared for combat.  

I  tried garlic, crosses, holy water, silver bullets, circles of salt, mixtures of herbs known for their supernatural powers, strange and mysterious potions,  magical incantations and medieval poisons. I have set off ant bombs. I have plugged in devices that let off a high frequency, constant and annoying screech not detectable by humans - but detested by ants. I have tried to smoke them out, soak them out and freeze them out.

                         

I even, once, rented an anteater for a two week period - but have been told that the  wretched beast has never recovered from the terror that he experienced while in my humble domicile.   Everything I have told you points to one simple, indisputable fact.  These ants cannot be killed - because they are already dead!!!
 


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