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My Twelve Step Program Process

by Carly Berg

Carly is an editor, kinda, and a writer, sorta. Her work has appeared in PANK, Dogzplot, Defenestration, and elsewhere. She wants to know what you think of this piece. Really. 


Hello. My name’s Carly and I’m an annoyance writer.

Here is my Twelve Step Program Process (for writing, of course):

   1) Go over it and over it and over it, cutting out the stupid parts.

   2) Review the remaining seven words one more time.

   3) Read it out loud to husband, after making him swear to tell me the truth.

   4) Fight with husband.

   5) Do re-write #832.

   6) Post it on writing forums for critiques.

   7) Await lavish praise. Follow husband about the house, begging to be re-friended on Facebook.

   8) Receive critiques:

       "I didn't really like this. It was boring."

       "Nice font."

       "What the hell are you babbling  about now?"

       "Spam."

       "For God's sake, stop."

    9) Encouraged, repeat process for a little extra polish.

   10) Send it out to The New Yorker and/or The Paris Review.

   11) Receive acceptance from Stinky's Resale Shop Weekly Story and Coupon Flyer.

   12) Celebrate at fine restaurant. Ask husband's opinion of making it into a Hollywood screenplay, after making him swear to tell me the truth.  

*No alcoholics were harmed nor, hopefully, created in the events leading up to this essay.  


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